Pants (the trouser kind, not the underwear kind)
I have a terrible problem with pants.
Every time I buy pants, I try them on. I cannot buy pants like I can shirts: shirts I can look at and figure out if they fit. Pants are mutant garments that morph in the time it takes to remove them from the rack and get them home. They might seem like they’re going to fit, but they don’t.
Anyway, I pick out pants and they fit in the dressing room. But once I get home and wear them for an hour or two, they stretch out and become huge. I have to keep them up with a giant safety pin. (Big enough to set off metal detectors.) Some of them have stretched SO much that I can take them off without unzipping or unbuttoning them. I might have lost a little weight but I’d had to have lost 30 pounds to make them this big. The pin works okay but it’s a bit of a hassle, always having to pin and unpin myself. Plus it makes a bit of a lump in the front. Not much, but I notice it. Other people probably just think I’m fat. Fatter.
So I’m tired of the safety pin so this past weekend I bought several more pairs. And I bought ones that were slightly tight. Because then, when they stretched out, they’d be normal.
I’ve worn two pairs already. The first stretched out to the point where I don’t quite need a safety pin but they are too big.
The second is worse. They haven’t stretched AT ALL. There is nothing more uncomfortable than wearing too-tight pants. And, they are too short. I didn’t realize this before. I am hardly a giantess and yet it’s hard to find pants that are long enough. Or, they’re extremely long. These are short and I feel like all I need is a short-sleeved man’s shirt, a pocket protector, and a visor, and I’ll fit right in at the local Dungeons & Dragons gathering, or perhaps a MENSA meeting.
This non-stretching is unusual though. Usually they become too big. I want to know what country is trying to take us over by manufacturing pants that behave this way. I think there’s a plot to sell us pants, have them stretch out to the extreme, and then one day when we’re all suddenly flailing around with our pants unexpectedly at our knees (not everyone knows where to buy giant safety pins), that country’s terrorists will win.